Nightrise — Anthony Horowitz

Characters so poorly written, they have the same realism as CGI actors.

Heaven Lake — John Dalton

I think I tore a retina trying to read this cover. Train — Heaven — John — Box — Fuck!

Elegy for a Lost Star — Elizabeth Haydon

I can't tell if she's supposed to be fighting off that dragon or those enormous letters that are about to crush her head.

(Either way, props for breastfeeding in the midst of battle.)

The Remedy — Michelle Lovric

Sadly, it turns out, there is no remedy for cock-nose.

Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork — Mike Huckabee

Graves are much more easily dug with a backhoe, under the cover of darkness, in an abandoned lot in Jersey. If you must use a knife and fork, use them to disfigure the facial features to prevent identification.

Decorating Kids Rooms and Family Friendly Spaces — Anna Kasabian & Eugenia Santiesteban

Kids just love decorations that admonish them to "eat their peas." Also try: "sit up straight," "you're not wearing that," and "masturbation will make you go blind."

Pleasing Hour — Lily King

Only an hour? I go all night.

Deal Breakers — Dr. Bethany Marshall

I suppose a 3mm dick would be a deal breaker.

Finger Lickin' Fifteen — Janet Evanovich

Please, please, stop it with all the obvious orgy titles! I can't stop laughing!

Four to Score? Hot Six? Seven Up? Hard Eight? Aaaargh! Let a girl catch her breath!

Rick and Bubba's Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage

Fuck, those rings look like they'd hurt.

Cook Yourself Thin — Lifetime Television

At a high enough temperature, the meat will slough right off the bone.

Freud's Alphabet — Jonathan Tel

It has an extra "Z" for zany.