The Ancient — R. A. Salvatore

Wait, that's supposed to be woman? It looks like Alfred E. Newman dressed as a rastafarian centaur, transporting fruit in a chest-satchel.

American Sucker — David Denby

Aw, is this about The Matrix? Fucking cool!

No, wait, that green shit is supposed to be legible? It's a goddamn subtitle?

Fuck you, David.

Einstein Never Used Flash Cards — Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek

Einstein also never twittered, so GET THE FUCK OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET BACK IN THE LABORATORY, you fucking rugrats!

Why Marines Fight — James Brady

For the skull fucking, of course. For the skull fucking.

Salty — Mark Haskell Smith

I have got to get me a bikini like that: a big, floppy number that nevertheless leaves a perfect thong tanline.

Ancient Egypt — J. E. Manchip White

That pharaoh is going to be so pissed ... they "claimed" he would be buried in solid gold, but wouldn't you know it, the cheap piece of shit turned his entire body green.

If You Could See What I See — Sylvia Browne

...in the mirror? No thanks, honey.

The Science of Getting Rich — Wallace D. Wattles

Genetically engineering oneself to shit golden eggs is the easy part; the hard part is to keep everyone else from killing you to get at more of them.

Mara and Dann — Doris Lessing

Ah, yes, I remember the happy couple, incinerated instantly running away from that nuclear bomb.

Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination — Helen Fielding

Oh, that's a smoke ring. I could have sworn it was a ghost condom.

Lucky Leaf — Kevin O'Malley

The last sight the poor bastard took in on this earth was the grinning visage of his killer, scooping one handful of leaves after another over his stiffening body, certain never to be found in the remote woods of West Virginia.

History Lesson for Girls — Aurelie Sheehan

We have inserted ponies into all major historical events!

Witness the murder of Julius Caesar by his best friend Brutie-the-Cutie! See the French emperor Neopolitan Dream at the battle of Waterloo! Watch JFK get it on with sex goddess Marilee Montana!