Revenge of the Spellmans — Lisa Lutz

That's not how binoculars work. How can I trust you anymore, Lisa Lutz?

The Battle of the Labyrinth — Rick Riordan

Someone might want to tell him that his crypt is boiling over. And that it doesn't work well to stir with a sword. And not to make soup in a crypt.

That Summer — Sarah Dessen

Hey, they airbrushed out that guy who was pile-driving me on the beach and photoshopped on some fake-looking shorts. Why the fuck do you think that summer was so memorable to begin with?

Sunday at the Seashore Crosswords

"If you fill these out at a lakeshore or riverbed we will fucking cut you."

Abraham Lincoln — Thomas Keneally

"So this one time Lincoln shows up right as I'm painting my fence, and I see him through this knothole perfectly centered like he was posing for a goddamned photograph, and — shit, if that wasn't the greatest moment ever."

Facing Your Giants: The God Who Made a Miracle Out of David Stands Ready to Make One Out of You — Max Lucado

It's pretty simple really: smashing your enemy in the head with a rock and chopping off his/her head is a great way to get past your problems with your boss or your ex or your landlord. Try it sometime.

Everlasting — Kathleen E. Woodiwiss

Finally, a good novel about a gobstopper.

The Angel's Command — Brian Jacques

That's right, kid. Strain your neck and lean over the railing to get a better view of that huge fucking shipwreck right in front of you. The extra foot makes all the difference.

Fort Pillow — Harry Turtledove

Fort Pillow, by Harry Turtledove? Is this some sort of April Fool's joke cover?

Does the small print read "by the author of 'Marshmallow Bayonets' and 'Luscious Muskets'"? BWAAAHAAAHAAHAAAA!

[Edit: I just found out Fort Pillow was a real place. In my defense, that's fucking stupid.)

How Is My First Grader Doing in School? — Jennifer Richard Jacobson

"Fuck if we know. Try going to the parent-teacher conferences, you dumb shit."

Follow the Money — John Anderson

Remember that wicked skatepark that Bush installed on the Capitol dome? That was fucking awesome.

Irish Linen — Andrew M. Greeley

Why the fuck are they having tea in the middle of the godamn street?