Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age

These kids today with their "funny faces." It's all too much. Back in my day we liked the way God created the width of our mouths, and we were happy, dammit.

Encyclopedia Brown Cracks the Case — Donald J. Sobol

I'm a little rusty on the details of the series. Is the space goose sidekick actually from the future, just a figment of his imagination, or the spawn of hell incarnate?

Your Toddler: Head to Toe — Cara Familian Natterson

So this is about... folding your toddler?

Do Dead People Watch You Shower? — Concetta Bertoldi

No, no — they can see you in the shower, sure, but they don't watch, because you tend to finger yourself over and over, they feel a little sad at not having functioning genitalia anymore.

Scepters — L. E. Modesitt, Jr.

Run for your lives! Brian Boitano has a gun!

Complete Shorter Works for Solo Piano — Johannes Brahms

Brahms, Brahms, Brahms of the Jungle.

Once upon a Quinceanera — Julia Alvarez

I might know how to make fun of this better if I knew what the fuck a Quinceanera was. 

I'm going to guess ... that one day a year where you get stalked by Little Bo Peep.

Tomorrow's God — Neale Donald Walsch

I like it, but ... could it have more white space?

Maybe a little less flourish?

And make me want to kill myself?

It's Okay to Miss the Bed on the First Jump — John O'Hurley

I'll leave you to come up with your own bestiality jokes on this one. No, wait, the chapter titles do it for you:

When One Person Stops Petting You, Move On

A Cold Can of Meat Is Still a Feast

Precious Gifts Come in Small Packages

If You're Happy and You Know it Wag Your Tail.

(Seriously, these are the real chapter titles.)

The Expectant Father — Armin Brott & Jennifer Ash

Tip one: Wear a tie, you hippie. You won't command respect from the newborn with your fucking casual Friday look.

Oh, the Places You'll Go! — Dr. Seuss

Like the time you shat in that lady's handbag.

The Smartest Investment Book You'll Ever Read — Daniel R. Solin

This book will make you feel like a total shit, quoting Kant and Hegel to you and talking about how it didn't bother having a TV growing up because it was too busy composing sonatas for the oboe. Douchebag.