assorted titles, Laura Schlessinger

So, is Laura Schlessinger just a pseudonym that they attach random photo-frame pictures to, like Mavis Beacon? I mean, goddamn.

Very Hungry Caterpillar — Eric Carle

That hungry bastard ate of 18 of his own goddamn feet! Oh, the humanity!

How to Set His Thighs on Fire — Kate White

Deep lunges? Squats? Sprints? Tell me tell me tellme tellmeeeeeeee!

A Perfect Mess — Eric Abrahamson, David H. Freedman

Finally, a tribute to those turds that just slide out, no muss no fuss. I LOVE those.

Mother Warriors: A Nation of Parents Healing Autism — Jenny McCarthy

It breaks my heart to see such a young child struggle with debilitating reality of having to live down having Jenny McCarthy as a mother.

The Baby Food Bible — Eileen Behan

Remember when grinding the Bible in the food processor to soak the leather first for smoother pulp.

This Book Will Save Your Life — A. M. Homes

How exactly will this boo sav my lif?

It can't even save itself from a goddamn trimmer accident.

The Heroines — Eileen Favorite

Why hide your vibrators in the air duct when you're just going to have to retrieve them three times a day? Your mom doesn't search your room that thoroughly anyway.

Just a Bunch of Recipes — Sam the Cooking Guy

I can think of only one plausible reason to put a dog on the cover of a cooking book, so this better be some pretty goddamn wonderful Alpo recipes for Buster.

Eat Smart, Walk Strong — Leslie Sansone

Can we take up a collection to teach this fuckwit how to stand like a human being?

She looks like someone caught her trying to torque her waist off.

Don't Tell a Soul — David Rosenfelt

So, what, are we just supposed to green-screen our own artwork on here? Don't tell a soul how fucking lazy you are is more like it.

Take This Book to Work — Tory Johnson, Robyn Freedman Spizman

Actually, wouldn't taking a book to work that says "take this book to work" sort of undermine the whole self-confident, independent, strong woman vibe you're going for?

Take "How to Fillet Balls" to work, and you'll get some respect in a fucking hurry.

Letting Go of the Words — Janice (Ginny) Redish

Janice (Ginny) Redish? Is that what we're going with now?

"Yeah, I saw that Alfredo (Al) Pacino football movie, but it wasn't nearly as good as Thomas (Tom) Cruise (Mapother IV) was in Gerald (Jerry) Maguire."

A Blessing in Disguise — Andrea Joy Cohen

What the fuck is that, a tiny humidor? And why would I want to crush a perfectly good rose inside it?

Living the Extraordinary Life — Charles F. Stanley

It always brings a tear to my eye to see these deformed little kids grow up and resemble a proper human being.

Bravo, little Charlie, at overcoming your crippling forehead growth and braving the world. A truly extraordinary life, indeed.

The Pigeon Has Feelings, Too! — Mo Willems

Damn. Now I feel like a total shit.

100,000+ Baby Names — Bruce Lansky

Ah, that old college prank of seeing how many babies you can stuff into a telephone booth together.

Don't Eat the Bluebonnets — Leventhal, Rothberg

"... as I have just shat on them."

The Great Bust Ahead — Daniel A. Arnold

Why, thank you. I'm rather proud of it myself.

I Am Not Sick I Don't Need Help — Xavier Amador

How to help someone accept treatment? Um, you might want to start by closing the fucking screen door.

Maimonides: The Life and World of One of Civilization's Greatest Minds — Joel L. Kraemer

Maimonides: Apply directly to the forehead.

Outdoor Rooms II — Anne Dickhoff

Step one: buy a house with an incredible view. Step two: put some furniture out.

No one will give a shit what kind because you have a fucking incredible view.

Just Take My Heart — Mary Higgins Clark

Leave my boobs in case I want to use them later.

Le dernier des Camondo — Pierre Assouline

I'm sorry -- Assouline? Is that the world's worst nastiest petroleum jelly?

The Ultimate Depression Survival Guide — Martin D. Weiss

Ah, fuck it. Why bother?

You Don't Need a Title to Be a Leader — Mark Sanborn

A director's chair, however, is a prerequisite. A megaphone would also help. And a gun.

The Lion and the Unicorn: Gladstone vs. Disraeli — Richard Aldous

Are we talking cage match? Because I think, despite being magical and all that shit, a unicorn's not going to have much of a fucking chance against a lion.

The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Cat Breeds — Angela Rixon

Those are some pretty goddamn good illustrations!

Nixonland — Rick Perlstein

Worst fucking theme park ever.

Killer Dreams — Iris Johansen

Now I've seen goddamn everything. Extreme CHECKERS?

Vanished Smile — R.A. Scotti

Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! It's the Mona Lisa!

Suck on that, Riddler.

It's Not Easy Being Green — Jim Henson

And being decapitated is no fucking picnic either, let me tell you.

Don't Eat The Marshmallow ... Yet! — Joachim de Posada

"Haha, stole your marshmallow while you hesitated. Wanker."

The Woodsman's Daughter — Gwyn Hyman Rubio

Is she uncovering the proof that God has suddenly gone all OCD with the trees?

Heartless — Alison Gaylin

Today's 9 a.m. commentary brought to you by the Photoshop Disasters blog — Heartless: Also Headless.

1000 Dreams Interpreted — Michael Powell

Ooh, I hope the one that I had about fucking that octopus is in there. I have no idea what that was about.

Benjamin Disraeli — Adam Kirsch

Forget the stellar political mind — it was the ringlets above it, oiled to glistening perfection with a combination of bear's grease and rose water, that made the ladies dampen their pantaloons.

The Little Giant of Aberdeen County — Tiffany Baker

And I thought "Winona Forever" was a fucking embarrassing tattoo. Who puts Tiffany Baker on the pubis, honestly?

The Associate — John Grisham

Sandwiched between the two equally thrilling titles The VP of Marketing and The Administrative Assistant.

The Great Religions — Quaknin, Le Gall, Levenson, Chebel

"Fuck you, Hinduism."

Swimsuit — James Patterson

Finally. I was wondering when James Patterson was going to come out with a swimsuit edition. That guy's fucking hot.

The Scent of God — Beryl Bissell

I'm guessing musk.

The Horse Boy — Rupert Isaacson

I guess it's his lower half. That's going to be awkward when he hits puberty.

The Oaken Throne — Robin Jarvis

This cover looks fucking terrifying ... until you remember the two creatures can't actually see each other, due to their lack of stereoscopic vision.

2666 — Roberto Bolano

It's the fucking scariest apartment in the whole building.

Why Moms Are Weird — Pamela Ribon

It's not just moms who buy tupperware, you stereotyping bitch. Single women buy it as well, for keeping their sex toys sterile.

Actually, your mom uses it for that, too.

A Most Unconventional Match — Julia Justiss

For one thing, she has a cock.