The 39 Apartments of Ludwig Van Beethoven — Jonah Winter

Really, you only need six apartments to stash your whores if rotate them in shifts.

CosmoGIRL! Quiz Book: All About Guys

Short version: guys will fuck anything that moves. So, you know, move around a little.

The Man Who Smiled — Henning Mankell

Oh, yeah, that guy. What a douche.

Say When — Elizabeth Berg

In bed, never.

How to Eat Like a Hot Chick — Jodi Lipper & Cerina Vincent

Martinis non-stop? Good strategy.

If that doesn't work, try getting the man to down them non-stop, too.

Travels in the Scriptorium — Paul Auster

There's something weird about this picture...

Oh, that's it. That's the stiffest pillow I've ever seen.

Five Great Short Stories — Anton Chekhov

And two shitty ones, just for kicks.

Hershey's Recipe Collection

Ooh, you're going to tell me how to add chocolate to things? I've been so frightened to experiment on my own.

Letters From Wolfie — Patti Sherlock

Holy fuck, a dog that writes? Stop the pres—

Wait a minute, you mean "letters" facetiously, don't you?

You mean "special deliveries."

You mean crap on the lawn.

Shit, Sherlock.

Where's My Mom? — Julia Donaldson

Dead in a ditch, honey. Dead in a ditch.

Bee Season — Myla Goldberg

Now there's a way to commit suicide I haven't seen before. You go girl!

Lost and Found — Carolyn Parkhurst

"What are you missing? I can look in the box, but I have to tell you, if it's not part of a dismembered parrot you're shit out of luck."

Suzanne Somers' Fast & Easy — Suzanne Somers

The really easy way to look thinner, of course, is to wear a fucking giant starburst over your belly.

Hard America, Soft America — Michael Barone

Also makes a handy eye chart, for you struggling optometrists out there.

Riding Lessons — Sara Gruen

She had a face like a horse...

Giant Sticker Book — Helen Parker

Is this a sticker book for giants?

A book with stickers of giants?

A book featuring a giant sticker?

Only one of these would be appropriate for my friend with giantism.

Looking for Peyton Place — Barbara Delinsky

I know I left it around here someplace.

God's Mirror — Max Lucado

"How we lookin' today? Perfect, as usual? Good."

The Knight — Gene Wolfe

"So I said to the dragon's mother, you're such a whore, and .... wait, he's standing right behind me, isn't he? Fuck."

100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families — David Niven

Blow jobs all around!

(Not from each other, you sick fuck.)

Erte's Fashion Designs, 1918-1932 — Paul Erte

Oh, shit, she fucking exploded! The soft tissue of her intestines shooting out in curly-cue ribbons, her body splayed by the force of the blast ... this thing makes Guernica look like that cat that says "Hang in there."

Chances Are: Adventures in Probability — Michael & Ellen Kaplan

Chances are you're going to get caught cheating if you mark your cards so fucking obviously.

Dark at the Roots — Sarah Thyre

Oh, god, Barbie and the Troll doll mated!

Cat Pay the Devil — Shirley Rousseau Murphy

Is the devil accepting hairballs now?

Alex & Me: How a Scientist and a Parrot Uncovered a Hidden World of Animal Intelligence--and Formed a Deep Bond in the Process — Irene M. Pepperberg

Yeah, I tried getting some hot parrot love once, too. But they just talk through the whole damn thing.

Moonlight on the Millpond — Lori Wick

"Moonlight, check. Mill, check. Pond, check. I think we're done here."

The Little Yellow Leaf — Carin Berger

Now, remember, you don't eat the yellow ones.

Ten Big Ones — Janet Evanovich

Damn, girl, that must have been some orgy!




No, stop you're killing me!

Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World — Vicki Myron & Bret Witter

Well, damn. That's how I got toxoplasmosis.

Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead But Gutsy Girls Do — Kate White

I found a typo, Kate: That should read "Busty."

Big Words for Little People — Jamie Lee Curtis

Ah, this brings back memories of the day Mom had to explain what Dad meant by alimony and cuckolding.

Whisper Something Sweet — Deatri King-Bey

Holy fuck! At first glace I thought she was nursing a nine-month-old under her shirt.

Certain Girls — Jennifer Weiner

That's how certain girls bend, honey. It's not nice to point.

Guides to Walt Disney World, 2008

Does Disney World really need this much advance planning? "Aw, shit, the whole day is gone and I never made it out of the food court!"

Let George Do It! — George Foreman

How do you think the man sired five boys without figuring out how to skip foreplay? "Let George Do It! Do It Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!"

Bridge for Bright Beginners — Terence Reese

OK, you spread all the cards on the table face up. Got it. Then what, genius?

Dating 4 Demons — Serena Robar

Dating three demons was a piece of cake -- but adding that fourth one made it, well, complicated.

Damn my taste for supernatural cock. Damn it to hell!

Tomb Raider: The Amulet of Power — Mike Resnick

That cover is looking a little crowded. Where are you going to fit the Newbury Award logo when it wins?