Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age

These kids today with their "funny faces." It's all too much. Back in my day we liked the way God created the width of our mouths, and we were happy, dammit.

Encyclopedia Brown Cracks the Case — Donald J. Sobol

I'm a little rusty on the details of the series. Is the space goose sidekick actually from the future, just a figment of his imagination, or the spawn of hell incarnate?

Your Toddler: Head to Toe — Cara Familian Natterson

So this is about... folding your toddler?

Do Dead People Watch You Shower? — Concetta Bertoldi

No, no — they can see you in the shower, sure, but they don't watch, because you tend to finger yourself over and over, they feel a little sad at not having functioning genitalia anymore.

Scepters — L. E. Modesitt, Jr.

Run for your lives! Brian Boitano has a gun!

Complete Shorter Works for Solo Piano — Johannes Brahms

Brahms, Brahms, Brahms of the Jungle.

Once upon a Quinceanera — Julia Alvarez

I might know how to make fun of this better if I knew what the fuck a Quinceanera was. 

I'm going to guess ... that one day a year where you get stalked by Little Bo Peep.

Tomorrow's God — Neale Donald Walsch

I like it, but ... could it have more white space?

Maybe a little less flourish?

And make me want to kill myself?

It's Okay to Miss the Bed on the First Jump — John O'Hurley

I'll leave you to come up with your own bestiality jokes on this one. No, wait, the chapter titles do it for you:

When One Person Stops Petting You, Move On

A Cold Can of Meat Is Still a Feast

Precious Gifts Come in Small Packages

If You're Happy and You Know it Wag Your Tail.

(Seriously, these are the real chapter titles.)

The Expectant Father — Armin Brott & Jennifer Ash

Tip one: Wear a tie, you hippie. You won't command respect from the newborn with your fucking casual Friday look.

Oh, the Places You'll Go! — Dr. Seuss

Like the time you shat in that lady's handbag.

The Smartest Investment Book You'll Ever Read — Daniel R. Solin

This book will make you feel like a total shit, quoting Kant and Hegel to you and talking about how it didn't bother having a TV growing up because it was too busy composing sonatas for the oboe. Douchebag.

The Last Olympian — Rick Riordan

But do they even hold the Olympics if there's only one competitor?

Use your head, Riordan.

Perfect Spy: The Incredible Double Life of Pham Xuan An

I bet he bagged all kinds of pussy with his "My Name is An — Pham Xuan An" introduction.

Psychopathology of Everyday Life — Sigmund Freud

"Ignore me while I wave around this phallus here. It doesn't mean anything."

You Are God's Gift to Me — Chris Shea

I have no idea why God wrapped you in a box without air holes, though. Whoops.

Art Masterpieces in 3-D — L.C. Casterline

Because Vermeer, Rembrandt, and Goya were too fucking shortsighted to paint them that way in the first place.

Garden of Beasts — Jeffery Deaver

Not nearly as terrifying as having a garden of beets — I was shitting red for six months.

Letters of E.B. White: Revised Edition

"Cause E.B. is haunting me from beyond the grave, tinkering with these fucking things still."

Fight: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Ass-Kicking

"OK, here's the deal: try to run around behind the other guy — he might turn around, but just keep running around to his backside — and then land your foot on the one soft and cushy part of the human bod...

"Actually, you might just want to try face-punching."

Prime — Dr. Pepper Schwartz

I know mentioning your doctorate usually increases your stature, but in your case you really should have left it alone.

Return of the Soldier — Rebecca West

But, unfortunately, his mustache was never the same.

Glamorous Movie Stars of the 1950s Paper Dolls — Tom Tierney

Ah, the glamorous half-boob hanging out.

Who knew I was being so classy when I passed out on the lawn last week?

Why We Do It — Niles Eldredge

How exactly does one fuck an egg? thought the chick.

U. S. Coins and Currency Field Guide: Value and Identification

Here's a tip: the coin or bill might have a number on it indicating its value. Thank you for your time.

On the Occasion of My Last Afternoon — Kaye Gibbons

Nice choice of colors, but I can still make out four letters.

Renegade: The Making of a President — Richard Wolffe

Oh, crap, Obama won the election?

Umm... Find and replace "Maverick" with "Renegade" ... OK, nice save.

After All These Years — Susan Isaacs

I finally learned how to make hors d'oeuvres!

Took me long enough.

All He Ever Wanted — Anita Shreve

...was a new pair of glasses. I mean — damn!

Soul Eater — Michelle Paver

The all-you-can-eat soul buffet was in so much trouble the moment he walked through those doors.