The Angel's Command — Brian Jacques

That's right, kid. Strain your neck and lean over the railing to get a better view of that huge fucking shipwreck right in front of you. The extra foot makes all the difference.

Fort Pillow — Harry Turtledove

Fort Pillow, by Harry Turtledove? Is this some sort of April Fool's joke cover?

Does the small print read "by the author of 'Marshmallow Bayonets' and 'Luscious Muskets'"? BWAAAHAAAHAAHAAAA!

[Edit: I just found out Fort Pillow was a real place. In my defense, that's fucking stupid.)

How Is My First Grader Doing in School? — Jennifer Richard Jacobson

"Fuck if we know. Try going to the parent-teacher conferences, you dumb shit."

Follow the Money — John Anderson

Remember that wicked skatepark that Bush installed on the Capitol dome? That was fucking awesome.

Irish Linen — Andrew M. Greeley

Why the fuck are they having tea in the middle of the godamn street?

The Ancient — R. A. Salvatore

Wait, that's supposed to be woman? It looks like Alfred E. Newman dressed as a rastafarian centaur, transporting fruit in a chest-satchel.

American Sucker — David Denby

Aw, is this about The Matrix? Fucking cool!

No, wait, that green shit is supposed to be legible? It's a goddamn subtitle?

Fuck you, David.

Einstein Never Used Flash Cards — Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek

Einstein also never twittered, so GET THE FUCK OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET BACK IN THE LABORATORY, you fucking rugrats!

Why Marines Fight — James Brady

For the skull fucking, of course. For the skull fucking.

Salty — Mark Haskell Smith

I have got to get me a bikini like that: a big, floppy number that nevertheless leaves a perfect thong tanline.

Ancient Egypt — J. E. Manchip White

That pharaoh is going to be so pissed ... they "claimed" he would be buried in solid gold, but wouldn't you know it, the cheap piece of shit turned his entire body green.

If You Could See What I See — Sylvia Browne

...in the mirror? No thanks, honey.

The Science of Getting Rich — Wallace D. Wattles

Genetically engineering oneself to shit golden eggs is the easy part; the hard part is to keep everyone else from killing you to get at more of them.

Mara and Dann — Doris Lessing

Ah, yes, I remember the happy couple, incinerated instantly running away from that nuclear bomb.

Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination — Helen Fielding

Oh, that's a smoke ring. I could have sworn it was a ghost condom.

Lucky Leaf — Kevin O'Malley

The last sight the poor bastard took in on this earth was the grinning visage of his killer, scooping one handful of leaves after another over his stiffening body, certain never to be found in the remote woods of West Virginia.

History Lesson for Girls — Aurelie Sheehan

We have inserted ponies into all major historical events!

Witness the murder of Julius Caesar by his best friend Brutie-the-Cutie! See the French emperor Neopolitan Dream at the battle of Waterloo! Watch JFK get it on with sex goddess Marilee Montana!

Nightrise — Anthony Horowitz

Characters so poorly written, they have the same realism as CGI actors.

Heaven Lake — John Dalton

I think I tore a retina trying to read this cover. Train — Heaven — John — Box — Fuck!

Elegy for a Lost Star — Elizabeth Haydon

I can't tell if she's supposed to be fighting off that dragon or those enormous letters that are about to crush her head.

(Either way, props for breastfeeding in the midst of battle.)

The Remedy — Michelle Lovric

Sadly, it turns out, there is no remedy for cock-nose.

Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork — Mike Huckabee

Graves are much more easily dug with a backhoe, under the cover of darkness, in an abandoned lot in Jersey. If you must use a knife and fork, use them to disfigure the facial features to prevent identification.

Decorating Kids Rooms and Family Friendly Spaces — Anna Kasabian & Eugenia Santiesteban

Kids just love decorations that admonish them to "eat their peas." Also try: "sit up straight," "you're not wearing that," and "masturbation will make you go blind."

Pleasing Hour — Lily King

Only an hour? I go all night.

Deal Breakers — Dr. Bethany Marshall

I suppose a 3mm dick would be a deal breaker.

Finger Lickin' Fifteen — Janet Evanovich

Please, please, stop it with all the obvious orgy titles! I can't stop laughing!

Four to Score? Hot Six? Seven Up? Hard Eight? Aaaargh! Let a girl catch her breath!

Rick and Bubba's Guide to the Almost Nearly Perfect Marriage

Fuck, those rings look like they'd hurt.

Cook Yourself Thin — Lifetime Television

At a high enough temperature, the meat will slough right off the bone.

Freud's Alphabet — Jonathan Tel

It has an extra "Z" for zany.