Eat What You Love & Lose — Family Circle

This title works as both a diet book and a warning to necrophiliac cannibals.

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Sara Moulton Cooks At Home — Sara Moulton

Is this all it takes to publish a book these days? An announcement of an uninteresting fact? "Sammy Hagar takes out the garbage." "Fabio is out of toilet paper." "Paris Hilton ate a zucchini."

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Military Misdemeanors — Terry Crowdy

Cracker Jack prizes just fucking suck these days, huh?

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Understanding the Mind of Your Bipolar Child — Gregory T. Lombardo

Please read before cracking open the skull.

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Trojan Odyssey — Clive Cussler

Yes, take me on an odyssey with your Trojan, Dirk Pitt! Yes! Yes! Ram me with your long, thrusting bow! Let lightning strike twice! Let the waves of pleasure crash again and again!

(One entendre too many? Damn.)

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How to Be a Middle-Aged Babe — Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Oh, sorry:

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Broken Music — Sting

"Look at me, I'm a bumblebee! I'm a bumblebee! Call me 'Sting'! Hee hee!"

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Nice Girls Don't Get... (Box Set) — Lois P. Frankel

I've always said that only sluts get the box set. Those dirty, skanky, little ... damn, I was sure there was a double entendre in there somewhere.

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My Best Friends — Anna Nilsen

They like to surprise me in the bathroom. Odd, really.

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Helping Children with Autism Learn — Bryna Siegel

Learn such skills as:

• wiping Vaseline onto authority figures' glasses
• replacing oneself with crudely made dummy
• sneaking away to snort cocaine off of hookers' bellies

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I Am Charlotte Simmons — Tom Wolfe

My apologies to J.D. Robb for making fun of the font size of your name and suggesting you shorten it to make the text even larger.

I didn't realize Tom Wolfe had already taken my awful, awful advice.

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Sin No More — Kimberla Lawson Roby

Also, Enjoy Coke™.

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Sex and the Seasoned Woman — Gail Sheehy

I just know there's supposed to be sexual imagery somewhere in that photo, but that fucking leaf keeps confusing me. Is it a tampon string?

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It's All About Him — Denise Jackson

"Let me tell you about my life as the wife of a — Fuck, he's right behind me, isn't he?"

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Rabbit Heart — Colleen Hitchcock

"Slowly, the lacy ruffle slipped from her shoulder and revealed her armpit necklace in all its bulky glory."

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Monster — Frank E. Peretti

What an incredible slur on the 7-Up dot.

I hope you can sleep at night, Frank, you rat bastard.

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Mafia: The Government's Secret File on Organized Crime

"It'd be a shame if something happened to that nice coffee table book you just got. You never know who might break into the house to steal your copy before you read it..."

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MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers 7th Edition — Modern Language Association

You can tell it's the 7th edition by the upgrade from 1970s graphics to early 1980s.

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StrengthsFinder 2.0: A New and Upgraded Edition of the Online Test — Tom Rath

You can cross "technologically savvy enough to take a fucking online quiz" off your list of strengths.

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Seekers: The Quest Begins — Erin Hunter

I had no idea that polar bears lived on the grassy plains. Or liked it doggie style. Or were into three-ways.

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Frankenstein — Mary Shelley

Well, "Boticelli's Frankenstein" has got to be better than Kenneth Branagh's.

How Novels Work — John Mullan

*Photo may or may not approximate how novels actually work. For best results, use as you would any non-fiction bound reading material.

The Complete Guide to Wood Finishes — Mick Allen

I'm actually pretty good at bringing wood to a finish, but I'm confused by these pictures.

The Lost Symbol — Dan Brown

I bet it's this fucking thing:    ¤

Because, seriously, what's that supposed to be for?

Glenn Beck's Common Sense — Glenn Beck

Sometimes the titles write the jokes themselves.

92 Pacific Boulevard — Debbie Macomber

The riveting prequel to 179 Trenton Street, Apartment 4B.

Love the One You're With — Emily Giffin

Because a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Sesame Street: I'm a Helper

Why the hell is Cookie Monster wearing clothes? That's just so wrong ... oh god, that makes every other picture of him look like a total pervert.

Chosen by a Horse — Susan Richards

Hey, look, Zac Efron as a horse!

Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy — Vicki Iovine

Ha ha ha! It's a giant boob!

Sea Glass — Anita Shreve

Why am I watching a woman pee on the beach?

Revenge of the Spellmans — Lisa Lutz

That's not how binoculars work. How can I trust you anymore, Lisa Lutz?

The Battle of the Labyrinth — Rick Riordan

Someone might want to tell him that his crypt is boiling over. And that it doesn't work well to stir with a sword. And not to make soup in a crypt.

That Summer — Sarah Dessen

Hey, they airbrushed out that guy who was pile-driving me on the beach and photoshopped on some fake-looking shorts. Why the fuck do you think that summer was so memorable to begin with?

Sunday at the Seashore Crosswords

"If you fill these out at a lakeshore or riverbed we will fucking cut you."

Abraham Lincoln — Thomas Keneally

"So this one time Lincoln shows up right as I'm painting my fence, and I see him through this knothole perfectly centered like he was posing for a goddamned photograph, and — shit, if that wasn't the greatest moment ever."

Facing Your Giants: The God Who Made a Miracle Out of David Stands Ready to Make One Out of You — Max Lucado

It's pretty simple really: smashing your enemy in the head with a rock and chopping off his/her head is a great way to get past your problems with your boss or your ex or your landlord. Try it sometime.

Everlasting — Kathleen E. Woodiwiss

Finally, a good novel about a gobstopper.

The Angel's Command — Brian Jacques

That's right, kid. Strain your neck and lean over the railing to get a better view of that huge fucking shipwreck right in front of you. The extra foot makes all the difference.

Fort Pillow — Harry Turtledove

Fort Pillow, by Harry Turtledove? Is this some sort of April Fool's joke cover?

Does the small print read "by the author of 'Marshmallow Bayonets' and 'Luscious Muskets'"? BWAAAHAAAHAAHAAAA!

[Edit: I just found out Fort Pillow was a real place. In my defense, that's fucking stupid.)

How Is My First Grader Doing in School? — Jennifer Richard Jacobson

"Fuck if we know. Try going to the parent-teacher conferences, you dumb shit."

Follow the Money — John Anderson

Remember that wicked skatepark that Bush installed on the Capitol dome? That was fucking awesome.

Irish Linen — Andrew M. Greeley

Why the fuck are they having tea in the middle of the godamn street?

The Ancient — R. A. Salvatore

Wait, that's supposed to be woman? It looks like Alfred E. Newman dressed as a rastafarian centaur, transporting fruit in a chest-satchel.

American Sucker — David Denby

Aw, is this about The Matrix? Fucking cool!

No, wait, that green shit is supposed to be legible? It's a goddamn subtitle?

Fuck you, David.

Einstein Never Used Flash Cards — Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek

Einstein also never twittered, so GET THE FUCK OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET BACK IN THE LABORATORY, you fucking rugrats!

Why Marines Fight — James Brady

For the skull fucking, of course. For the skull fucking.

Salty — Mark Haskell Smith

I have got to get me a bikini like that: a big, floppy number that nevertheless leaves a perfect thong tanline.