How We Decide — Jonah Lehrer

How do we decide, Jonah?

We're fuckin' Americans, dude. We're going to eat all three of those goddamn ice cream cones, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Promises in Death — J.D. Robb

Hey J.D.! Ever consider getting a shorter name, asshole? The typographers are clearly having trouble squeezing it onto the cover here.

At least give them permission to move the second "B" to the interior flap. Then there would be no need to use the bottom sliver of the page for a clip-art clusterfuck.

This book had better be about a goddamn cat-spirit who haunts the city, by the way, or I want my money back.

Peaks and Valleys — Spencer Johnson

Stunning typography, oh-he-who-just-bought-Corel-Draw. I never noticed that captial "A"s are pointy at top and "V"s are pointy on the bottom, just likes peaks and valleys. That is deep. They should name you fucking Poet Laureate for that one.

You know what else has peaks and valleys? The gorgeous curves of a prostrate woman, from the tip of her erect nipple to the shallow recesses of her rounded navel. Put that on the second edition and it'll sell like motherfuckin' hotcakes.

Secrets to Happiness — Sarah Dunn

Rule #1 to happiness: make sure you don't drop a 3-pound SLR camera onto your dog's fucking face.

Batman: R.I.P. — Grant Morrison, Tony Daniel

I'm sorry, I thought it said "Batman lets one Rip". Nothing to see here, move along.

Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time — Greg Mortenson, David Oliver Relin

David, David, David. If there was ever a book that cried out to be ghostwritten, it was this one.

Greg's title makes it pretty clear you didn't do jack shit to promote peace. You are, in point of fact, a useless son of a bitch.

Greg was busy healing the world with his E.T. hands, and all you did was bang out words on a fucking keyboard. You need to obfuscate that fact, not advertise it.

Real Leaders Don't Do PowerPoint — Christopher Witt

Duuuh. Their secretaries do PowerPoint for them.

Might as well call the book "Pimps don't actually give the blow-jobs themselves, in case you were wondering; they hire girls to do that, but they take home more money."

Stay Rich for Life — Ed Slott

First rule: If you become less than rich, eat a goddamn bullet.

Uncommon — Tony Dungy

Fuck you, Tony. I shouldn't have to buy your next three books just to complete the collectable Tony Dungy face poster. Consider including a centerfold.