Nice Girls Don't Get... (Box Set) — Lois P. Frankel

I've always said that only sluts get the box set. Those dirty, skanky, little ... damn, I was sure there was a double entendre in there somewhere.

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My Best Friends — Anna Nilsen

They like to surprise me in the bathroom. Odd, really.

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Helping Children with Autism Learn — Bryna Siegel

Learn such skills as:

• wiping Vaseline onto authority figures' glasses
• replacing oneself with crudely made dummy
• sneaking away to snort cocaine off of hookers' bellies

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I Am Charlotte Simmons — Tom Wolfe

My apologies to J.D. Robb for making fun of the font size of your name and suggesting you shorten it to make the text even larger.

I didn't realize Tom Wolfe had already taken my awful, awful advice.

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Sin No More — Kimberla Lawson Roby

Also, Enjoy Coke™.

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Sex and the Seasoned Woman — Gail Sheehy

I just know there's supposed to be sexual imagery somewhere in that photo, but that fucking leaf keeps confusing me. Is it a tampon string?

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It's All About Him — Denise Jackson

"Let me tell you about my life as the wife of a — Fuck, he's right behind me, isn't he?"

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Rabbit Heart — Colleen Hitchcock

"Slowly, the lacy ruffle slipped from her shoulder and revealed her armpit necklace in all its bulky glory."

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Monster — Frank E. Peretti

What an incredible slur on the 7-Up dot.

I hope you can sleep at night, Frank, you rat bastard.

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Mafia: The Government's Secret File on Organized Crime

"It'd be a shame if something happened to that nice coffee table book you just got. You never know who might break into the house to steal your copy before you read it..."

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MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers 7th Edition — Modern Language Association

You can tell it's the 7th edition by the upgrade from 1970s graphics to early 1980s.

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StrengthsFinder 2.0: A New and Upgraded Edition of the Online Test — Tom Rath

You can cross "technologically savvy enough to take a fucking online quiz" off your list of strengths.

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Seekers: The Quest Begins — Erin Hunter

I had no idea that polar bears lived on the grassy plains. Or liked it doggie style. Or were into three-ways.

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Frankenstein — Mary Shelley

Well, "Boticelli's Frankenstein" has got to be better than Kenneth Branagh's.

How Novels Work — John Mullan

*Photo may or may not approximate how novels actually work. For best results, use as you would any non-fiction bound reading material.

The Complete Guide to Wood Finishes — Mick Allen

I'm actually pretty good at bringing wood to a finish, but I'm confused by these pictures.

The Lost Symbol — Dan Brown

I bet it's this fucking thing:    ¤

Because, seriously, what's that supposed to be for?

Glenn Beck's Common Sense — Glenn Beck

Sometimes the titles write the jokes themselves.

92 Pacific Boulevard — Debbie Macomber

The riveting prequel to 179 Trenton Street, Apartment 4B.

Love the One You're With — Emily Giffin

Because a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Sesame Street: I'm a Helper

Why the hell is Cookie Monster wearing clothes? That's just so wrong ... oh god, that makes every other picture of him look like a total pervert.

Chosen by a Horse — Susan Richards

Hey, look, Zac Efron as a horse!

Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy — Vicki Iovine

Ha ha ha! It's a giant boob!

Sea Glass — Anita Shreve

Why am I watching a woman pee on the beach?

Revenge of the Spellmans — Lisa Lutz

That's not how binoculars work. How can I trust you anymore, Lisa Lutz?

The Battle of the Labyrinth — Rick Riordan

Someone might want to tell him that his crypt is boiling over. And that it doesn't work well to stir with a sword. And not to make soup in a crypt.

That Summer — Sarah Dessen

Hey, they airbrushed out that guy who was pile-driving me on the beach and photoshopped on some fake-looking shorts. Why the fuck do you think that summer was so memorable to begin with?

Sunday at the Seashore Crosswords

"If you fill these out at a lakeshore or riverbed we will fucking cut you."

Abraham Lincoln — Thomas Keneally

"So this one time Lincoln shows up right as I'm painting my fence, and I see him through this knothole perfectly centered like he was posing for a goddamned photograph, and — shit, if that wasn't the greatest moment ever."

Facing Your Giants: The God Who Made a Miracle Out of David Stands Ready to Make One Out of You — Max Lucado

It's pretty simple really: smashing your enemy in the head with a rock and chopping off his/her head is a great way to get past your problems with your boss or your ex or your landlord. Try it sometime.

Everlasting — Kathleen E. Woodiwiss

Finally, a good novel about a gobstopper.