Bone Crossed — Patricia Briggs

One of my ex-boyfriends got his bone crossed. Fucking painful.

Girls of Tender Age — Mary-Ann Tirone Smith

Delicious with tarragon.

Sonia Rykiel — Olivier Saillard

She could shave her pits so fast they would fucking smoke.

New Spring — Robert Jordan

Oooh, so close. But I do believe yellow leaves on trees means it's autumn, you tit.

Natural Cures — Kevin Trudeau

What fucking disease does that guy have? Don't put it on the cover where I have to look at it, for crying out loud.

H.R.H. — Danielle Steel

"Bluer, dammit, bluer! It should look like a fucking Smurf exploded on her iris!"

Goddesses & Angels — Doreen Virtue

The illustration is all right, I suppose, but ... is it mystical enough?

Emma's Secret — Barbara Taylor Bradford

Let me guess: Emma's a fucking slob.

Baby Bonanza — Maureen Child

Did those babies spring straight from his fucking chiseled jaw?

King James Personal Size Giant Print Reference Bible

Shit, I had no idea they're making personal-sized Bibles nowadays. I should probably buy one and stop paying those three eunuchs to carry mine around for me.

Etta — Gerald Kolpan

She had a jaw like a lumberjack, but she could ride all night.

Why Do Pirates Love Parrots? — David Feldman

Enormous cocks. 'Nuff said.

A Wolf at the Table — Augusten Burroughs

There is no fucking fork.

The Turtle Catcher, Skylight Confessions, & The Seance

Look at me when I'm fucking talking to you!

Goodnight Moon — Margaret Wise Brown

Has anyone else noticed that this kid has a fucking fireplace in his bedroom?

No wonder the little shit can't go to sleep, with the fear of someday coming in second at the polo championship haunting his dreams.

Your Pregnancy Week By Week — Glade Curtis

Week 31, as everyone knows, is the week to spread your legs wide on a public bench.

Check it off your calendar, tramp.

Before & After: Living and Eating Well After Weight-Loss Surgery — Susan Maria Leach

When he said stomach stapling, I didn't know it involved my fucking hands. Way to make balancing in heels a motherfucking chore, Dr. Asswipe.

The Christmas Shoes — Donna VanLiere

I Can't Think Of A Single Fucking Thing To Make Fun Of On This Cover.

The Wordy Shipmates — Sarah Vowell

"And another thing — thou shalt not carry thy husband's nuts around in a sack, goodwife."

The Redbreast — Jo Nesbo

"Deadlines are deadlines, fucker. Just because you accidentally put the cover artwork in the washer last night doesn't grant you a goddamn extension."

When You Are Engulfed in Flames — David Sedaris

"Listen, dumbass, I don't so much care about the smoking at this point. If you want me to keep being your physician, you've got to keep your fucking skin on."

Creating Your Dream Bathroom — Susan Callahan Breen

I don't know about you, but my dream bathroom has a door, rather than a viewing area for people to sit comfortably and watch me take a shit.

Eclipse — Stephenie Meyer

Next time just use the safe word, fucktard.

Myths, Lies and Downright Stupidity — John Stossel

This from a man wearing that mustache.

The Lost Quilter — Jennifer Chiaverini

What's one fucking quilter, more or less?

Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal (so They Can Look up Your Skirt) — Philip Van Munching

Choose your own sarcasm:

#1: "They will also hang an ornate plaque to cover your fucking ugly knees."

#2: "So be sure to let boys make you feel small and lowly, that they can only peek down your shirt."

#3: "How do I know? Well, I was a boy once, and that's what — did I ever tell you how I got the name 'Munching'?"

The Twinkies Cookbook — Hostess

Fucking hell, you're supposed to cook them?

The 8th Habit — Stephen R. Covey

"Fuck me! Did I forget to mention even in passing an 8th habit that makes the other seven habits you worked on look like dog shit? You should totally get this book and learn about it.

"I might also have a ninth habit kicking around in my brain, which I might deign to share with you if I need a new fleet of private jets for each of my kittens."

Wonder: Moments That Keep You Falling in Love with Life — Arthur Gordon

Ah, yes, like watching the life drain from a starfish as it bakes in the hot sun. I hate them motherfucking starfish.

She Went All the Way — Meg Cabot

This is a refreshing change from all those double-entendre titles: a single-entendre title.

The Missing Ring — Keith Dunnavant

"Keep looking, men! I'm pretty sure I dropped the ring not five minutes ago on the way back from the crapper."

Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! — Mo Willems

Because you remember the last time the pigeon drove the bus: the wailing, the wreckage, twisted metal embedded in soft flesh, the smell of burning fuel, tears that pool on city streets.

We were so young, so naive, so trusting, once.

In Defense of Food — Michael Pollan

Oh, man, I heard about that -- a head of lettuce attacked and killed a family of four and had to be restrained with a lobster-claw rubber band. I certainly hope it has a good defense.

CMMI, Second Edition — Chrissis, Konrad, Shrum

Ah, yes, "Guidelines for Process Integration and Product Improvement." If that doesn't fucking SCREAM lighthouses, I don't know what does.

Midnight's Children — Salman Rushdie

Hey, Salman, did you design that cover in the dark, while you were hiding?

Internet Riches — Scott Fox

Ah, the good life. Cruising down the highway while getting a blow job, endangering everyone's life by driving with your knees.

Complete Wiring — Stanley

This is going to sell so much better than the piece-of-shit first edition, Incomplete Wiring.

Damn, I miss my eyebrows.

Deceptively Delicious — Jessica Seinfeld

Why the hell are the action lines not anywhere near your winking eye? Did you have both eyes closed and then opened one really fucking quickly?

Or is the idea that you mixed your own goddamn hair into those brownies? Is that the secret ingredient? A little eyelash, a little ponytail — it's all brown, and it's all fabulous!

The Regime — Tim LaHaye, Jerry B. Jenkins

Sexxxy! Check out his left behind.

The Last Season — Eric Blehm

Hey, dipshit. It's a picture OR a thousand words.

Heartbreak and Triumph — Shawn Michaels

How many Shawn Michaelses does it take to change a light bulb?

Eat Out, Eat Right! — Hope S. Warshaw

An instructional guide to my pussy.

His Majesty's Dragon — Naomi Novik

Here's your own fucking dragon, your majesty.

You Were Born to Be Published — Tom Bird

Why the fucking hesitation, Tom? "You were born to be... oh, I don't know, published, maybe?" Of course I was born to be published. How dare you pause even a second to doubt that. Douche.

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea — Chelsea Handler

Be a dear and help me get my tits tucked back under my belt, would you?

Handle with Care — Jodi Picoult

"Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck! I spent all day down at the pond and shot eight rolls of film, and that's the best goddamn picture I could get."

The Fires of Vesuvius — Mary Beard

That damn midget gets all the loving. I can't help it if I eat when I'm depressed. Does this peplos make my hips look big? Fuck it — I'm eating this whole goddamned plate of snails and dormice and then torturing some slaves.

Sister Time — John Ringo, Julie Cochrane

Totally bad-ass. Except that her gun is powered by a FUCKING EXTENSION CORD.